She sits alone

The night was cold. Which wasn’t a particularly spectacular or astonishing deduction given the season.

The lingering regret of not carrying a thicker jacket for her night walk dug deeper into Elise than the cold blade of a serial killer. She exhaled; hot breath escaping her lips. Much like she felt warmth and life evicted from her body at the chill of the snowy night arrival. She wrapped her thick knitted scarf tighter around her neck in a vain attempt to keep warmth. If she survived this moonlight walk her grandmother was due a heart filled letter of praise.

She rubbed her hands together like sticks trying to catch a flame before clasping them together. Hands closer to her face she exhaled another hot breath this time on to them. They didn’t thaw, but the stiffness lightened.

Mind over matter. She told herself and dredged up thoughts to keep her actively off the numbing cold.

She thought of what awaited her. She thought of her destination and the cold melted under fear and anxiety. Winter pricked her body like a thousand needles, but what got her more was her own mind collapsing from the sledgehammer of potential worry.

Deeply rooted in her thoughts, it took a moment to realize she had already arrived.

There it was. The root of her worries, still there like before—not like it could even move. Snow had caked on the edge of the wooden park bench she hadn’t sat down yet, but she could already feel the anxiety from sitting down there which sent a shiver up her spine.

When she sat down, finally—courage coming as a spontaneous boon— it was cold as expected. Though not any worse than what her body had adjusted to on the way here. She sat straight, face forward, almost uncomfortable-looking. She looked to the other side of the bench at the corner of her eye.

Nothing.

She focused forward once more. In the right season, the park would be in a different state. A jogger or two, some couples and maybe some kids staying out later than they should be. But not tonight.

Tonight, people were at home. Warm and with family, or perhaps by themselves depending on the lifestyle they preferred. Elise was alone. Though not by choice and hopefully not for long.

Once more she checked the corner of her eye. This time there’s a figure on the other side. Her breath instantly caught in her throat. She didn’t need eyes on the figure, not anymore. Her mind already completed the image. She knew who it was.

Silence suddenly became more pronounced— thicker than the snow that crunched beneath her feet. Her nervous habit of shifting her feet took hold as her cold-numbed brain fought with itself for anything to come to her lips.

Neither of them said anything. Both just sat looking forward. She wondered to herself, which was it? The matter of having nothing to say or rather the matter of wanting to say so much but not knowing where to begin?

Elise decided to break the silence. It was only right of her. “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what?”

“For running. That wasn’t— I don’t know why I did it. I wasn’t afraid I just—” She sighed rather than finish.

Relaxed, even if slightly by the beginning of conversation, she leaned back into the bench. The unchecked maniac known as winter dug its frosty blade deeper into her body making her wince. “I’m sorry, Jess.”

A snicker was the response to her words. “You’re here now aren’t you?”

“Y-yeah,”

Silence again. She checked the corner of her eyes. Still there, Jess was still there. She took a deep breath and the cold air made her regret it. The dryness of her throat was enough to send her coughing.

“You okay?”

“Ye—” She swallowed to wet her throat and finished. “Yes, I’m fine.”

“Do you—”

“They’re fine— Oh sorry. Shit, I didn’t mean to cut you off. Continue.”

“No, it’s fine. You can go.”

For the first time since she sat down, she turned her head to look at her, to look at Jess. They often said that a picture was nothing compared to the real thing. Oh, how right they were. She’s stunned to simply put it. It felt weird to think about it, but it was like she had forgotten. Forgotten what her best friend looked like.

That smooth and soft dark skin, that she envied. Always clear and pristine, if it was her, a day without her prescribed cream and she was done for. Her skin would break out like a prisoner on death row. With Jess’ curly hair tied back with what she assumed was a scrunchie, she could see the girl’s eyes. Those soft hazel eyes, the same ones that mesmerized her the day they first met. It was like seeing them for the first time again.

She asked the question again. With her eyes. Was it really okay for her to talk instead?

Jess nodded.

“I was talking about your mom and sister. They’re fine.” Elise said. “Not great— Who would be? But they’re managing. Your mom is on your sister now like a hawk, I think she’s just trying to cope or even— prevent another…” She cleared her throat. “She follows her to school now in the mornings, like an escort. Picks her up too. Your sister seems annoyed by it, but I think she understands. They— they miss you.”

Jess didn’t respond, didn’t so much as budge or feign curiosity when hearing about her family.

She wasn’t sure how to take that, so she kept talking. “I— When I ran away. Last week. I searched up a lot of things. I was— I don’t know, I was trying to make sense of things. Making sure I wasn’t crazy.”

“You’re not crazy.” Jess told her.

“God, I hope not. I don’t know what I would do if I was. It’s just— Fuck, I don’t know what to say to you honestly. I— There’s so much and it feels like there’s isn’t enough time. Maybe I’m overthinking things and making it worse on myself.”

“Do you have to say something?”

“I think I do.”

“Why?”

“I— When I did the research. On you. It said a lot of things. I sort of half believed it. Didn’t take everything at face value. But there was one thing that stuck with me. They say that people often linger when they have unfinished business. Do you— Is there something you need? From me? From anyone?”

“I don’t think so. No.” Jess shrugged.

“So then, why are yo—”

“Do I need a reason?”

“I guess not. I just want you to be— I don’t know. Be happy?”

“I am happy. Right here.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,”

“Why?”

“Because.”

“Because what? Why are you being so difficult?”

“Am I?”

“Yes! Fucking— Jess, I just...” Elise groaned into her palms. “I don’t know. I just don’t know. Everything is just— Everything feels fucked.”

No response.

“I just want to understand things. I just want to— I don’t fucking know what I want. Should I be happy? Scared? Sad? Worried? It felt so much fucking simpler when you were just dead.”

A reaction. Almost missable— she caught it just barely. It was a small twitch of a finger, but for some reason it made her stomach turn.

“I’m sorry. I’m not saying I wish you were… you know. But I’m just still not sure how to take this all.”

Elise sighed and let her basically frozen stiff hand slide off her lap and on to the bench. Jess put her own hand on hers. It was a strange feeling. It wasn’t hot or cold, there was no texture or real feel to it. All she could really tell was that there was something on her hand. A weight. That was it.

“Does it hurt?” She asked Jess.

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.”

She turned her hand over and the weight sank into her palm. She squeezed it tightly. She was hoping for more. More than a simple feel of mere weight. She wanted her. Jess. Her best friend. Holding what she was now, it didn’t— it didn’t feel like anything.

“Why here?”

“Hm?”

“I’m asking you why here? It’s not like— It’s not like it happened here. So why here?”

“Does there need to be a reason?”

“You said that already. I would like a proper answer. Even if just for this one question. Please.”

“There isn’t any—” Jess stopped herself and resigned. “You always hated it.”

“Hated what?”

“When I lie. You act like it doesn’t bother you, but it always did. You were bad at hiding it. Still are. I always pretended not to notice, Less guilt that way but—” Jess stopped herself.

“But?”

“Hard to ignore now. I feel like you’re going to either cry or try to punch me.”

“Can I even punch you?” She smiled slightly.

“Maybe? Maybe not? Not sure I really want to find out.”

“Are you going to answer my question?” Elise asked her.

“Still deciding. Maybe hoping you’ll answer it yourself.”

“I don’t understand.”

“So, you don’t remember then?”

“Remember what?”

“This is where we first met.”

She didn’t remember. It was a blank in her mind.

“I thought— I thought we met on the first week of school. When you and I got paired together for that project. I forget which one, but I remember getting to know you. I could never forget. You made quite the first impression after all.”

“I guess, I’m being a bit hard on you. Met may be a bit much. I’m overplaying it. To be more accurate. Here was when I first saw you.”

She thought about that for a bit.

“I remember going to the store. The weekend before school started back. Was it then?”

Jess nodded. “I think so.”

“I remember mom sending me to the store. I don’t remember what for, something stupid, I think. Just a quick run, but for some reason that day. I decided I was going to take a detour to the park. No reason, just felt like it.”

“Yeah. I remember. You had a bag in your hand. Wearing that shirt, you love. The one your dad brought back from his trip along with those black sweatpants with the white stripes on the left leg. Your hair was shorter back then too. Barely passed your ears, now it touches your back.”

She squeezed Jess’ hand even tighter.

“Is that why? Is it me? Am I the reason you’re here and not—”

“Up above?” Jess finished.

“Yeah…”

“Maybe.” Jess shrugged. “Or maybe I’m bound for the other place and I’m just trying to avoid that.”

“I doubt that.” She chuckled.

“What makes you say that?”

“Because I know you.”

“Is that so?”

“Yes. It is so.”

“What if it’s not up to you to decide? What if your word means nothing?”

“What if it does?”

No response.

“Is that why you’re here then?” Elise asked. “For me to decide where you go? If so, they’re bad at picking judges. I’m biased. I’ll send you up no matter what. You deserve it.”

“What if I don’t want to go?”

“Why wouldn’t you?”

“I just don’t.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want to.”

“Why don’t you want to go?” Elise asked again.

“You’re being repetitive.”

“Because I don’t like your responses.”

“Then ask a different question.”

“No.”

“No?”

“No.” Elise reiterated.

“You’re being fucking difficult.”

“So are you.”

The conversation halted. Nothing was said between them, but as if on cue, both turned to look at each other and smiled.

“Does it hurt?” Elise asked

“Yeah…”

“Can I help?”

“You can, but I don’t want you to.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m afraid.”

“Of what?”

“What you will say.”

“What do you think I will say?”

“I don’t know.”

“Then why are you afraid?”

“Because.”

“Because?”

“Fucking because.”

She chuckled. “That’s a shitty reason. You’re better than that.”

“Am I?”

“I know you are.”

“Elise…”

“Yeah?”

“I— Fuck.” Jess cursed and sprang forth. It was a quick motion, quicker than anything she could have prepared for. Surprise sent her backwards, but she was stopped by what she assumed to be Jess’ hand at her back. Elise went to say something but was silenced. Their lips met and then warmth.

She could feel her. Her heat, her warmth. Like a smoldering flame at a campsite it kept her warm on this cold night. Her hands thawed. The warmth spread through her and the tenderness of Jess' lips made her… She wasn’t sure. She wasn’t sure how it made her feel. Was there a word for beyond amazing? Beyond euphoria? Beyond divine?

They separated. Jess smiled and she smiled back.

“Jess, I— I didn’t know you… I’m really stupid, aren’t I?”

“No you’re not.” Jess whispered back. “If anything I am.”

“You’re not stupid.”

“Yes I am. I’m stupid because I waited this long.”

“It doesn’t matter. You’re here now and we can—”

No.

“Jess… What are you— What’s going on?”

Jess continued to smile. “Unfinished business.”

“Fuck. That’s not—Fuck.”

“Yeah…”

“Why would you— If this what was going to happen why would you— Fuck.”

“You were pestering me about it.”

“I know I was but—Fuck, fuck, fuck. Jess I—”

“I love you.” Jess whispered.

“I— I don’t want to say.”

“Please.” She begged in a soft voice. “Let me hear it.”

“I— Fuck. I love you too.”

They kissed again. It was brief.

For the rest of the night, she sat alone.